


Take me back to the sky that I've never seen

by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Character, Backstory, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Past Child Abuse, Pre-Canon, Questioning Sexuality, Young Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), teenage angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 18:10:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19706746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor
Summary: The difference between living and surviving was never even an option for them.Levi during the years he was a criminal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Killerwhale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killerwhale/gifts).



> This story will feature different moments of Levi's teens to young adult life living in the Underground, some of his years before and after Farlan and Isabel joined him, and a general attempt at exploring how insuffrable living without some sort of criminal activity would be, and how much harder it would be to survive as a criminal. This starts when he's 16.
> 
> The idea for this was first encouraged/suggested by [Killerwhale](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6108367?show_comments=true&view_full_work=true#comments). Also, redcherryamber / [Cherry's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherry) encouragement and The Agonist's unbelievably amazing new song 'In Vertigo' [(whose lyrics named this fic)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r85VW3y_T8I&feature=youtu.be&t=274) both worked to finally bring it to fruition.
> 
> Warnings: This fic will feature graphic violence descriptions throughout, of different natures and to many people. Other warnings will be added as we go. Bad language by children. This chapter also deals with some questioning sexuality and overall not too healthy views on the subject.
> 
> Disclaimer: Don't own Shingeki no Kyojin.

The man's nose had been broken and stepped on and was pouring out gushes of blood but Levi still kicked him again for good measure, even though the pained grunts and rounds of kicking behind him had stopped already. When the remaining silence was filled with moans and strangled coughing from the two men sprawled on the floor, Levi realized for a moment he wasn't even sure why he had continued kicking the man until his face was a puddled mess, and yet he knew he wasn't done yet.

"Let's go, c'mon!" Julius yelled, grabbing the heavy bag and securing it against his chest. Levi heard the hasteful scramble of their feet, looking down at the man coughing on the floor. He was twisting his body, barely able to open his rapidly swolling eye, not looking in defiance at Levi now but still not fully surrendered. Levi raised his foot and kicked him in the groin violently, making the man scream and curl into a weeping ball.

"Levi!" Rans called after him, and he finally followed them, running past the streets and buildings, running past a couple and a beggar decaying on the floor, reaching a dirty and destroyed alley where Julius stopped and turned the bag around in his arms, pulling the strips open and checking the contents.

"You're only confirming it now, you idiot?" Levi scolded him, rubbing at his forehead that still throbbed from the pain of the man's attack, but Julius just grinned widely.

"It's all here," he said proudly, showing it to both of them. A stack of mishelved smaller bags and tin boxes filled it to the top, and Julius opened one of the boxes to see white powder in it. "What's this for?"

"It's medicine, dumbass," Rans replied, pointing to the scrambled lines on the lid. "Can't you read?"

"How'd the fuck would I know?" Julius threw back, throwing the box back to the rest and turning his face to Levi. "What if we keep some? He doesn't know how much of it they were carrying, right? We could always sell it for ourselves and keep all that money!"

"No," Rans replied before Levi had a chance. "We're getting paid to bring back the whole thing."

"But he doesn't _know_ how much is the whole thing, does he?"

"What if he does? What'd you think he'll do to us if we rob him?"

"I think we're the ones being robbed," Levi pointed out, frowning at the amount of portions in the bag, the number of which was making him start to realize they had been severely underpaid for this job. Not to mention they had given a bigass beating to those two merchants, by explicit order of their employer.

"No. Hold that bag tight and let's just hurry up. He said he'd be there after lunch time."

"How the fuck would I know what time lunch time is?" Julius complained. "I haven't eaten anything since yesterday! Every second should be lunch time to me."

Rans rolled his eyes and helped the younger boy up before they resumed their sprinting, only starting to slow it down when they returned to a residential area, still attentive for any unpleasant surprises. Rans walked ahead and guided them to a closed backery shop with dirty windows in which he knocked in a specific rhythm. They had all silently agreed on the way here that he should be the one doing the talk, as Levi was so clearly prone to lash out today. The door opened and a bony bald man let them enter and growled something that was supposedly their cue to pass through the door behind the counter. Levi had to glare at the balls of dust gathered in the corners again and felt his entire body itch, realizing he would be reluctant to eat anything prepared here even if he was starving for days.

Levi had gathered that the man who had been hiring them for some hits, who stood in the back of the shop smoking a cigarette impatiently and talking in hushed voices with a partner, was some sort of physician, or someone close to one. It was the third time they had stolen medication and never a stock as big as this one, and he imagined the man either sold it at a considerably favourable price to other businessmen, or smuggled it to MPs in exchange for favours. It wasn't as if the men Levi and the other boys stole from had acquired the medication by legal means either, hence why they had struggled so much and Levi had got so vicious on the guy that had headbutted him.

"Perfect job as always, boys," the man said with a smile, bringing that stench of smoke too close to Levi as he picked the bag Julius handed him and confirmed what was inside. "You know we'll be great friends. You know you can count on me whenever you need, huh?"

The partner placed small bags with coins into each of their hands. Rans and Julius smiled and tucked their shares safely in pockets while Levi was the only one who counted it, frowning at the clear lack of it.

"You're missing money," he said at once. It was not much in shortage, truth be told, but it was not what had been agreed upon. It could be a couple of cents for all he cared, it was still money he'd been robbed of otherwise.

The man widened his eyes a bit before scoffing loudly.

"Well aren't you a clingy little shit, huh?"

"What did you say?" Levi moved a step closer before Rans and Julius immediately grabbed him by the front of his shirt, crossing their arms over his chest to halt him. The man scowled at this and stepped up too, closely followed by the bulkier partner.

"It's alright, no one's arguing," Rans said appeasingly, turning to the man with a controlled smile. "It was just a mistake. It happens, right?"

"You said ten. There's only eight here."

"A mistake," Julius said louder, reinforcing Rans's words and toning down Levi's. "Easily fixed, right? We did a good job, the whole sack is there and everything's intact. Ya know we're reliable."

The man was still glaring at Levi before he scoffed louder and rummaged his pockets again, counting the remnants of coins before he handed them to Rans as if it were begrudged alms.

"Let's call it a day, boys," he said dismissively. "Remember, you don't know me and I don't know you. None of us wants those fuckin' MPs snoopin' around."

"Sure thing, sir," Julius agreed, and he and Rans more or less pulled Levi away as the man turned on his heels with his partner and stepped out by a back door. Levi shrugged them off of him, annoyed but silent as they exited the disgusting backery.

Stupid little shits who thought everyone else was stupid. Good enough to do their dirty work, but not good enough to get payed for it. Levi hated scum like that.

"You need to calm down, Levi," Rans started, immediately rolling his eyes when Levi glared at him.

"If I wasn't calm, I would've ripped him open a new one," he shot at the other boy, and everyone present knew it to be true.

"Yeah, he's a scumbag and we all know it, but he pays, doesn't he? You're too fucking steamy today, man. Let's just beat it, the MPs're gonna be looking soon."

While Julius headed back to the abandoned site where they'd be staying or off somewhere to start spending the money they got, Levi ended up helping Rans with the groceries he immediately went to buy at the marketplace, getting an extra as payment for the help out of the boy's own cut. He knew Rans's family well enough and he realized it had been a handful of days, perhaps a week, since he had been anywhere near their neighbourhood. He used to hang out there quite a lot when he was younger searching for odd jobs, when Kenny was still around, and was actually how he had first met Rans's sister and their mother when he helped them prepare the end of the year celebrations.

"Don't say anything, okay?" Rans reminded him, as if he needed to. Levi scoffed at the hypocracy, but if the boy didn't want his family to know how he got them money for food, Levi wasn't going to be the one to spill it.

"You must think they're stupid," he still added regardless.

"You don't need to be a criminal to earn good money," the boy pouted, looking stupidly childish and Levi had to scoff again.

"Yeah, right."

"My mom's never done anything illegal," Rans pressed as if convincing Levi of his point was essential for him, when in truth Levi couldn't care less. "I know I'm not doing the right thing, doing what I do. But I'm not as strong as her. Raising two children alone... who can do that?"

Levi shrugged.

"I'm sure it's not easy. That's why I don't see why it bothers you so much to help her."

"Of course it doesn't fucking bother me."

"So what if you knock some teeth out to do it? Aren't you still helping, and better yet, bringing more money than if you were getting explored by some bloated merchant? Even though that piece of shit isn't exactly paying us as well as he should."

"She wouldn't like it. We don't have to be criminals just because we live down here. That's acting exactly like everyone else expects us to, and justifies how they treat us."

Levi decided to give up on the subject as it was clearly getting them nowhere and they remained mostly silent through the rest of the way. He was the one to call out Rans on the blood he had on his boots though.

Although Shosana was not home when they arrived, their mother Alma was, who greeted them and marveled at the sight of the food they carried.

"It's good to see you, Levi," she said. "Thanks for helping Rans out. He's been working so much lately."

"Yeah, sure thing," Levi replied, biting his tongue against talking and quickly dropping the sack of potatoes on the table, dusting his hands on the sides of his hips.

"Do you want to take some with you?" she offered immediately. "It's the least we-"

"No, thank you. I'm good. I have money of my own, I can buy something to eat later."

"You're looking slimmer by the day. Are you sure you've been eating? Rans said you were staying by those abandoned complexes by the west."

Levi nodded a reply, shooting a glare at Rans when the woman had turned to stock the food. The boy cleared his throat and kept his hands busy as an excuse not to say anything further, hoping that Levi would grant him the courtesy of discretion he clearly lacked in return.

"I have to go, I promised to help someone else clean up their store," Levi made up, nodding towards Alma. "It was good to see you, Mrs Alma."

"Stay safe, Levi," she said, turning even before Levi had left and starting to talk with her son. Levi caught bits of their word exchange, nothing but ordinary and satisfied conversation between mother and son.

Levi had always liked the woman, but he had always also felt that the feeling was not exactly mutual. She had never been anything close to rude or aggressive, had always been polite and requested his help a dozen of times in the past in exchange of fair payment, but Levi felt something increasingly dismissive in the way she talked, in her fast easy smiles, the polished politeness that he grew to note how close to condescending it was. Perhaps the small pointless exchange with Rans earlier might actually explain it; maybe she saw Levi as a lost case since his younger days when they had first met, a thing of pity but that was still growing up to be a bad influence for her son, involuntarily branding Levi as the criminal she seemed to be so eager to distance herself and her children from. Seeing what the two boys had done on the past couple of hours, Levi couldn't help but admit she was probably right, even if he had not really pressured Rans to do anything. Opportunities just came up, and Rans accepted them.

He actually felt a spark of anger at his thoughts, how, together with the way the stupid-ass prick acted before, it all seemed fucking unfair and made him shut his fists and want to punch something. He was used to this, to be seen and treated this way, and that very fact was irking him now more than ever; how he had grown so accustomed to being seen as worthless. Not really working to prove them wrong, getting angry that they were right.

Pretty damn fucking pointless. If he really was just a piece of shit anyway, why would he bother with what people thought of him?

He heard the splashing of water coming from somewhere nearby and he turned his head to peek at the backyard of Rans's house, finding a girl bent over a large tank filled with water and soap, scrubbing and soaking a bulky load of clothes. Levi felt his humour was not really fully calmed yet, and he could always talk with Shoshana next time her prick brother paid him to help with the food he brought home as a good hardworking son rather than a thug who had beaten merchants to a bloody pulp and stole their business over a handful of cash. He turned to keep walking down the street, but clearly it didn't really help.

"Levi!" Shosana called him, making him sigh and turn to her, seeing her rubbing her arm against her forehead to get sweat away from her eyes. "It's good to see you. How've you been?"

"Hey," he said in return, not really approaching her. "The usual. How've you been?"

"Same," she replied with a smile, sighing as her back seemed to ache and she pushed her hand into the spot. Levi looked down at the amount of clothes she still had to wash - their family's and several others alike, just another form of respectful income for their living - and reconsidered, walking up to her and picking the handful of pieces that were already washed, hanging them on the clothesline. "Oh, thank you."

"It's alright."

"You came by with Rans?"

"Hm. He brought quite a bit of stuff. You guys'll have a nice dinner tonight."

"That sounds great," Shoshana said and resumed her scrubbing against the rough edge of the washtank. "Have you considered doing some odd jobs for his employer too? He pays nicely, and it's never really that much of a hard job, no matter how much Rans complains it makes him ache all over."

"Yeah," Levi replied vaguely, biting the inside of his cheek and frowning again. She didn't seem to notice it, and they worked silently for a while, ocasionally talking about this and that. Levi noticed how Rans peeked from inside the house and saw him, but said nothing or came outside to them.

"I hope I didn't keep you," Shoshana apologized after he helped her through the whole bundle. Levi waved his head, suddenly remembering his own lie about having other stuff to do, but it wasn't as if keeping that lie was really that urgent.

"Do you remember that bird you gave me?" he recalled out of nowhere and Shoshana jolted where she stood.

"Did you lose it? I can make you a new one-" she asked, and Levi immediately waved his head.

"No, no, I still have the second one you made," he replied. He knew exactly where the first paper folding Shosana had given him was, together with a little poorly scrubbled note she had given him as a birthday present when he was eleven, so he had technically never 'lost' it. He had simply been unable to return it, after he had to leave the last safehouse he shared with Kenny after the man vanished. He never returned there for a variety of reasons; not least of all because of the three corpses he had left there upon his departure. "I've always liked how you do it. You got a lot better, and I already thought the first one was amazing."

Shosana smiled under her breath, blushing slightly and waving her head.

"Rans is always mocking me because he thinks the paper foldings are childish," she explained when she saw Levi's confused look. "He thinks he's such a grown up man just cause he's eighteen now."

"Well, we're not exactly kids anymore," Levi agreed, having forgotten Rans was actually older than him, though he added: "But I don't think that stuff's childish. I think it's great. You could try to start selling them in the future."

He did mean his words, although he had to wonder who would effectively want to spend money in a paper folded in the shape of a bird or a flower or a fish. He realized _he_ would, and he shoved his hand on his pocket.

"I want you to do one for me," he requested. "How much would it cost?"

Shoshana blinked and waved her head.

"You don't need to pay me for that, Levi. I gave it to you because-"

"I know, but I want to see you do it. I want to learn. I remember I was mesmerized by the first one. I think I'd only seen a bird once or twice before, and then I had one for myself. It was pretty neat. Besides, I think it was the only birthday present I ever got until then. You're really good at it."

"Thank you," she said, smiling widely now and blushing even further. "But you don't need to pay me, I mean, you've helped me with all the clothes I had to wash. It was a birthday gift. I can always give you more if you want, I just thought you'd think I was stupid."

"Why would you be stupid?" She shrugged and he pressed. "Besides, my birthday's still months away."

"Then that'll mean you can always just come by more often then, right?"

"I come by often enough," it was Levi's turn to shrug. "Specially since your brother's... working so much."

"Don't you want to stay and eat something with us? I'm sure Mother-"

"No, thanks," he said. Neither Rans or Alma had made the invitation, so he knew he wasn't really welcome. Besides, food was too precious to just spend away on other people like him, even if he did have to ignore his growling stomach, who didn't seem to share the same reasoning as his brain did. "I'm good."

"You wouldn't bother us," Shoshana added as if she knew. "I'm inviting you, ain't I?"

"I know. Thanks anyway, Shoshana."

"Are you sure?" she insisted, a strained look on her face and making Levi feel uncomfortable in return. "I could teach you how to do it, the paper folding. You've helped me out, let me repay you."

"Next time, alright?" Levi promised, but she still seemed disappointed. He saw how she bit her bottom lip and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear as he turned his back.

"Levi..." she called him, and he turned back to see her approach swiftly and lower her face over him and her lips touched his, a clumsy dry little peck that made him gasp and immediately take a step back.

The look of panic in her face seemed likely to rival his own before she turned into all shades of red.

"I-I'm sorry! I don't know... I don't know what I-"

"No! No, _I'm_ sorry. I just..." he tried, not really knowing what he was going to say next though. It was hard to catch his breath all of a sudden. "I just..."

"I'm so sorry, Levi, I... please don't be mad, I just..."

"I'm not mad. I..."

She was clearly having a bit of breathing troubles of her own and her hands twisted in a way that told Levi she was struggling not to cover her face with them.

"I... w-will you still come by next-"

"Yeah, of course, I said I would," he was fast to say, although it now made a quick shiver run down his arms. "I... I have to go."

"I'm sorry," she still said, but they wouldn't get anywhere like this so Levi ignored her and rushed down the street, trying to make it look like he really was just in a hurry and not that he was running away from her. He wasn't really sure which one it was.

He quickly found a cafe and shuffled inside, paying for a warm meal of soup that didn't taste like anything in particular and stiff bread that he bit hardously into before deciding to just soak it in the soup. He ate everything peacefully - or it at least it should have been, but of course it wasn't. Because even though no one came by to pester him and no MP stormed inside or anything, Levi couldn't stop thinking and it took him a while to grab a firm hold of his own hands.

What had he done wrong? What had he said or done to make Shoshana think she should repay him that way?

He liked her; why the fuck wouldn't he? She had always been nice, gave him the first birthday present he ever fucking got, or at least remembered getting (he was being utterly unfair, he just realized. His mother had given him presents whenever she could, and the best ones of them had been solid and rich food), convinced Levi to play tag and hide-and-seek when they were younger (because they were _not_ children anymore now, Rans was right on that at least), still talked and laughed as they grew older. Why did she do _that_ now? Levi tried to think back on times he recalled, tried to understand where he might have said something bad, or something mistakingly good, some of the words he had heard a million times being uttered by men trying to woo women into drooling into their mouths and bending them over any horizontal surface they could find.

Of course, he _rationally_ knew there was more to it. It didn't always happen because of that. He had seen... sometimes. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened with girls before. Nevermind the times when he was a literal child and Kenny would tease girls and some grown up _women_ into cuddling him and holding him in ways that were too close for anyone's comfort; after the man was gone, it happened more than once - women talking with him in suggestive or not-so-suggestive ways, touching his arm or his back for a moment after Levi had helped them out somehow, had two of them kiss him quickly like that before, and once not quite like that.

A violent shudder shot down his spine and Levi closed his eyes, pushing the heel of his hand against his right eye, pushing the memories of men doing that as well far back so that the Pig wouldn't even come close, wouldn't resurface. It was supposed to be a form of payment, of thanking him, not of abuse, of power. He had _understood_ that for a while now, but still, he couldn't actually understand it. He knew people would be happy to accept it, mostly men - that so many of them were not only happy with it, they felt entitled to it - but he couldn't get his head around the fact that some women, girls his age, would want to do it. Without being threatened or pushed to it, just because they wanted to.

Shoshana had done it to thank him because she appreciated the help, because she wanted to retribute somehow. Right? She seemed so nervous about it, maybe she knew something was wrong in it... or maybe she was just scared that Levi would react the way he did, or worse. Did she like Levi too, but thought _that_ was the way to show it? That confused him more. Had it been done as a form of payment or not? Why would she do it otherwise? His mother didn't do it as thanks for any help, she had to do it. Men paid for her, so they assumed they owned her. If a woman would willingly use that as payment, men would certainly be happy with it, but to be on that end himself, it was just wrong and confusing.

Levi just felt overwhelemed by it all and decided he had to occupy his mind with something else, getting out of the cafe and starting to wonder the streets of the Underground, evading MPs whenever he spotted them, coming by a middle aged man and offering to help him close up his shop and gather all the tables and stools scattered about if the man gave him money or food. The man called him off and Levi kicked one of the tables over, barely needing to do more than that before the man cowered back to his shop, not giving him anything but at least knowing not to fucking treat him like scum again. Levi carried down the street now more annoyed than before and snatched an apple from a stand he passed by, biting into it and scowling at the grainy taste. He still nibbled it to the core before he sighed, deciding to go home.

 _'Home'_ had been an abandoned building site for what was now close to three weeks. Levi had always prefered to be alone for a variety of reasons, but the last sneak-in he had made had resulted in the previous owners returning and catching him, which resulted in Levi getting a considerable beating, even if he left both of them just as banged up. He ended up crossing paths with two twins he knew and trusted somewhat, resulting in him crashing over on the two-story depilated building that, last Levi had counted, harboured a total of fifteen people. It was a flowing number though; the place had clearly acquired the label of safehouse for many thugs and homeless people, and they came and went as necessity or brawls required.

Levi had his miserable amount of personal things bundled against a wall in the first-story; a tattered bag with two tshirts, a pair of extra pants and two pairs of underwear and socks, covered by a brown quilt he had stole three weeks ago, like he had stolen everything else. He also had Shoshana's paper bird and a copy of a book he had found that he was hoping he'd be able to sell. All this was easily accessable to anyone in the building, and even though there were some basic rules and expected following violence if they were broken, with the flow of people, it was hard to keep it under check. Levi quickly surveyed it to confirm if everything was still in place. After having lost the previous money he had tried to start gathering, he had become quite relunctant of saving it again only to have it stolen, but unless he did, he would hardly be able to afford decent food. The idea of saving enough to rent a place of his own had never been an option exactly, not when the places he could find to live in the in-between were constantly getting raided, not to mention the MPs were a constant threat and hardly painted it reasonable to simply live comfortably in one place. And he was used to this, living without a home, living one day at a time without a prospect of a future, living without people who cared for him unless they thought they could gain something from it.

Levi threw himself to the quilt harshly, groaning as his stupid attempt at running from his thoughts proved completely useless. Of course they followed him here, even became worse as two of the people there got themselves busy, and loudly at that, causing rounds of complains and cheers in turns that didn't bother being discrete either. Levi closed his eyes to fight the renewed shiver he was unable to control and he pulled his knees to his chest, fighting the urge to cover his ears and curl himself tight like a child and knowing he couldn't do that.

"Oooh, check it out, Rosa and Johnny are fucking!" Julius yelled.

"Leave them."

"As if! They're getting louder each time!"

"Let's go peek!"

"Yeah, it's always better than just listening to them."

"Speak for yerself, I get hard enough as it is!" The kids kept discussing amongst themselves as they walked closer to the corridor and to one of the few structured rooms where the outrageously loud moaning was coming from.

"Aren't ya coming?" Big Theo asked him as he passed by, making Levi grit his teeth against screaming.

"Why the fuck would I?"

"Why the fuck _wouldn't_ ya?" Small Theo asked in return, grinning widely and sprinting past his older twin. Levi pushed to his feet and started grabbing his things, facing Big Theo's frown with a glare.

"What happened?"

"Nothing," Levi threw at the boy, only managing to make him scoff.

"Where're ya goin' then?"

"Upstairs." He doubted the thoughts wouldn't cross a single floor if they had stalked him the whole way here, but the loudness would certainly diminish. He banged his feet angrily against the steps, his skin itching from all the dust and debris that no one but him bothered to sweep away, and did his absolute best to ignore the condition the upper floor was, preferring it greatly now over the overcrowded and overnoised first floor. He heard the soft steps following him and he glared harder at Big Theo, who sat down on the floor when Levi threw his things and curled up again, making it very clear he didn't want to be bothered. "Leave me the fuck alone, Theo."

"What happened?"

"I told you, nothing happened other than those fucking pigs squealing downstairs."

"Ya're gonna make me start guessing? We could stay here a while."

"You don't have to guess anything. Go drool over those two like the rest of them."

"Don't ya think I've seen enough people having sex?" Big Theo shrugged again. "So, what happened?"

Levi remained stubbornly silent, glaring at the other people who were occupying the second floor and hardly paying the two boys any mind. What good would it be to talk? He wasn't good at it. It felt wrong, as wrong as thinking about it in the first place, like tearing open wounds that weren't fully healed. He trusted Big Theo somewhat, and that meant he didn't trust him enough. You weren't supposed to trust people enough. Know people, yes, but don't trust them. Why would he say anything?

"Ya banged your head," Big Theo pointed with his chin to the growing bruise on his forehead Levi had been ignoring up until that moment, and Levi scowled at the boy's persistency. "Ya don't seemed too banged up overall though. Did someone grab ya?"

"Why the fuck do you care, Theo?" Levi shot at him, making the boy shrug again.

"I don't," he replied in earnest. "But my brother's downstairs and I have nothing else to do. So, did someone touch ya again?"

Levi cursed in his mind. For the third time in just one day, he was considering giving up entirely on trying to talk because it got them nowhere, only this time, he knew Big Theo would just keep hammering him with more and more colorful suggestions until Levi would be forced to either make up some lie to shut him up or kick him in the teeth. Big Theo had crossed his legs, his palms on the floor and his torso leaned back though his face remained just as serious, and Levi imagined how much better he'd feel if he kicked that relaxed pose out of the boy. He considered both options and ended up sighing and taking the third one.

"A girl kissed me," he said plainly and harshly.

One of Big Theo's blond eyebrows arched up. It took him a full second to decide Levi was being serious.

"Ya're like that 'cause a girl kissed ya? What the fuck, Levi."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, did I?"

"So, was she that bad at it?"

The frustration made him want to snap, but instead he scowled harder and pulled his knees closer to his chest again, wishing to have a soft mattress to sink into but having only the quilt that barely softened the hard floor beneath him.

"That's not the fucking point."

"What is the fucking point, then? Ya're pretty worked up about it."

Levi clenched his teeth and fell silent again. Big Theo exhaled softly.

"Ya didn't know the girl?"

"I do. I've known her for years."

"Then what the fuck, Levi," he repeated. "I bet ya gave her quite the scare. She probably has a crush on ya and now she thinks ya hate her."

"That's her problem, not mine." It sounded harsh even to his own ears, and the way Shoshana looked embarrassed and scared flashed back into his mind, making him feel slightly guilty and angrier at the same time. "What the fuck did I do for her to do that?"

"What d'ya mean? Why do ya think ya did anything?"

"I must have, otherwise why the fuck would she just kiss me out of nowhere without saying anything?"

"Because she probably has a crush on ya, ya dumbass. Some people think that way's better, just... not asking and trying it." Big Theo shrugged. "I don't mind, for instance, and it barely happens to me. I had to kiss a girl like that once to find out I don't really like them, but hey, sometimes ya can't be too picky. I can kiss ya so ya can compare and figure out for yourself."

"Leave me alone, Theo."

"What? Ya won't know otherwise. I bet I'm a lot better than her, and I'm already giving ya a heads up if ya prefer it that way." Big Theo was the polar opposite of his younger brother, and he rarely smiled, which made most people unsure whether or not he was joking. Levi had learned by now that he rarely joked. "So? Wanna try?"

"I don't want to know. I don't care. It doesn't make sense."

"Ya're the one that doesn't make sense. If people like each other, they kiss, they touch. They fuck if they want to."

"I don't like that."

"Well, I guess that's your problem then, not hers or mine."

"So you like the guys that fuck you?" he asked the boy. He wanted to try end the conversation, hurt Big Theo if need be, but his immediate reply was another shrug, and the indifference it showed instead made Levi's skin crawl.

"If it's for money or food, I don't need to like them. It's not about that."

"It's the same."

Big Theo frowned.

"No, Levi, it's not."

"Will you just leave me alone already?"

Big Theo only made things worse, now adding shame and confusion to the already confusing mess of thoughts. At some point, the other boy did leave him alone (without trying to kiss him, thankfully) and he curled in the floor for a while, the numbness of rest crawling into his limbs and weighting on his eyelids, even if it didn't quite work on his head.

So Shoshana liked _him_. As if that wasn't weird enough, she wanted kiss him, use that to let him know she liked him. Because people kiss, and touch, and fuck when they like each other.

He liked Shoshana _because_ she didn't do any of that. Because that made him feel weird, and uncomfortable, and wrong. But _he_ was the one that was wrong, apparently. He could see some logic in it considering what he had seen other people doing. And he could find none _because_ he had seen how other people acted.

His thoughts - or restless half-sleep, he guessed, as his head felt dizzy with the sudden movement he made - were interrupted by a quick rustle somewhere outside; people starting to run in a hurry. Before the screams even carried in from the street, the kids were already standing up and exchanging glances, a girl running to the window to peer, Levi stumbling up to his feet, and then the loud roars erupted in the first-story and made everyone jump out of their skin. Levi scanned the entrance of the stairs for just one second before his heart squeezed and pumped the familiar adrenaline through his body, turning him on his heels and starting to run because the screams were from adults and those adults were yelling commands.

It didn't take long before panic settled and people started screaming the words _'MPs!'_ from the floor below, pushing Levi's feet as he grit his teeth and slided to one of the empty rooms, away from the main hall where the MPs would storm into. A younger girl who had been sleeping there yelped as Levi ran into it, starting to run ahead of him but soon getting behind Levi. He jumped through the half-built wall between the two rooms and then grabbed the edge of the window, his feet sliding in the ground as every word of the MPs' screams became clear and so did their shooting.

He cursed under his breath. They were shooting. That had become more frequent lately, with the escalation of violence; theirs. They had yet to shoot to kill, but a bullet is a fucking fast thing and most of their aims left a lot to be desired.

The younger girl grabbed at Levi before he could jump to the next building, making him lose balance for a moment before he jumped across the buildings. The distance was extremely short, the abandoned sites strangled next to each other, and he landed and rolled on his side, an entire coat of dust glueing to his hair and clothes. He barely had time to look behind himself to see if the girl or anyone else was following him through the quickest way out, starting to run through the new building which he didn't know, hoping the layout would be shaped similarly to the other one. He started to jump down the steps but then stumbled on his feet, freezing in place when he saw the back of the uniform, and the MP blocking the way of the first-story in front of him turned, eyes wide for a second before he raised his gun.

"Don't move!"

"Go back!" Levi yelled behind him and darted back up the steps. The gun blasted and the bullet missed his leg by an inch, making Levi's heart skip the next beat and almost throwing him to the floor.

"Motherfuckers!" the younger girl from before yelled the words in Levi's mind. "Where do we go?!"

"Levi!" Big Theo's voice barely managed to reach past the deafening pumping of blood in his ears, so instead the hand he grabbed Levi's arm with was more effective, pulling him out of the stairway and into another room where Small Theo had already rushed into. There was running downstairs, a second gunshot, and this time the sound it made was not of shattering concrete but of skin and flesh, and a scream of pain as the younger girl fell harshly to the floor. Levi's barely had time to look at her, her leg bleeding badly before Small Theo jumped to the next building and Big Theo pushed him to do the same.

"Sons of bitches, they just fucking shoot like that?!" the younger twin yelled before the older darted past him and away from the mirrored stairway layout, towards the back of the building instead, shoving his head outside an open window and his long hair whipping the air as he looked back at them.

"We can jump. There's a balcony, and from there to the floor, they're not here, they'll be rounding people on the other side."

"They're fucking shooting!?" Small Theo yelled again. "Why do they want to kill us?!"

"They're not killing us, Theo!" the older yelled back. "Shut up and move!"

Big Theo pushed Small first, ensuring he'd escape to most likely safety before any of the other two boys. The plan wasn't the best, but it was the only one they had and it went as well as jumping one-story down and from there to the ground could go. Big Theo twisted his wrist trying to reduce the impact of the final landing, but payed it little mind as they ran, away from the building site and from the other kids running and from the MPs that would soon be attracted by the commotion.

When they reached busier streets and people started to turn at them in confusion and startle, the twins turned to one direction and Levi ran towards the other. He could hear the youngest blaring out the warning to anyone that might need it.

Levi couldn't share that thoughtfulness. The only other word in his mind beyond cursing every single one Kenny had taught him was _'hide'_.

Hide. He had to hide, he had to hide somewhere, anywhere the MPs wouldn't look, and his first thought shot to Shoshana and Rans and pushed his feet forward for the full second it took him to change his mind. _Not really working to prove them wrong, getting angry that they were right._ They would be in danger just because of him, and he couldn't do that to them. He couldn't show up with MPs on his heels. He couldn't prove them right.

His heart was pressing at his throat and making him gag, the sweat running from his hairline turning cold. He didn't know where to go. He didn't know where to go, he didn't know where to go-

Levi clashed against a passer-by as he turned a corner. The man stumbled back and looked stunned for a moment, not really complaining or threatening him, just understandably confused for having being tackled by a teeanger looking more closer to a child than an adult. The impact forced Levi stop to catch his breath and quickly try to assess where he was and where he should run to, if he should find a corner to hide and wait, but instead what he found was a MP. On the other side of the street, unarmed, alerted by the disturbance. Levi saw the frown growing on the man's face and his own grew pale, knowing he could not look unsuspicious, not right now, and didn't even bother with trying before jumping and running back the way he came.

"Hey! Stop!" the MP shouted. Levi heard a loud thud of bodies clashing, and looked over his shoulder, finding the man he had bumped against now doubled over and the MP sprawled on his knees, clumsily trying to get back to his feet, commanding the man to shut up and stop apologizing for stumbling in his way, but the man had nothing close to regret on his face as he looked towards Levi.

Levi was turning breathless, the man's intervention barely registing in his mind until it did, clashing almost as hard as they had done physically; people who helped them. People who didn't mind they were criminals, who didn't mind they lived in a way that justified how they were treated.

Suddenly, he knew where to go. The place he had been avoiding for the same reason he avoided Shoshana and Rans's house, but who he knew would not turn him down.

He turned on his heels one final time before running down towards his former home.

.

to be continued

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really plan this to end in a cliffhanger of sorts because I had intended each chapter to feature a different scene through the years. I guess I can't keep to my plans huh. I do blame the time I spent on this and wanting to get it out of the way.
> 
> I have a bit of a struggle imagining several stuff from the Underground. But mostly I wanted to try to show different ways in which life sucks. As if it wasn't enough being a teenager and dealing with teenage stuff, there's also literally everything else.
> 
> Thanks for reading, feedback is very much welcomed. Actually, it's needed, because this fic is rather scary for me to write.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, people. Sorry for the time. This is still a hard fic to write but I didn't plan to take this long to update. Regardless of any of that, I'm extremely grateful to the people who have commented or faved! Thank you PIZZA564738 , Chibi Chuuya , La Familia Brief , bbj104 , hypnoticlevi , PixelSize , Seth7 , dvmbledors too, and of course, a special mention to DorkWolf-Nightmare :) Thanks to the anon kudos too! Sorry I forgot to mention you.
> 
> This is the longest. fkcing. chapter I have ever written. Seriously, my longest kid!Levi fic is smaller in its entirety than this chapter alone. I think [Dresden](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4719944/chapters/10783484) rubbed something off on me lol (This is my mandatory reference to Hedera_Helix 's extraordinary fic, please read it.) It's not my usual format though, so, sorry for being so long. I hope it's still interesting.
> 
>   
> **Warnings:** Teenagers/children using bad language, mentions of rape and implied child abuse, mentions of underage prostitution, general grey morality standpoints all through. Conversations between an adult and a teeanger about sex, questioning sexualities and some advising/comments regarding asexuality by characters that may be well intended but **not** well informed. This is not supposed to be a wikipedia post, rather a story with certain characters in set circumstances.
> 
> Also, an explanation for the possible OOC from Levi: he is 16. He's no Eren, but he's very far from being the fully matured adult we know in canon.

The words _'it's dangerous, it's dangerous, it's dangerous'_ kept repeating over and over in his head, though Levi wasn't entirely sure if the source of danger they were actually referring to was running away from his persuers, or the consequences of running away towards his planned, hopeful, safety.

Although he had not been there for years, he found his way to the pub without any other incidents. He made sure no one was following him before he approached, his heart pumping loud in his ears and adrenaline rushing through his blood. It clouded his brain to the point that, when he stopped by the doorframe, he didn't fully register what he found, every image confusing and out of context, foreign and wrong.

Broken glass littered virtually every single inch of the floors, as if someone had purposefully tried to make the biggest mess they could. It almost looked like they were trying too hard. There were no bottles left behind the counter. A chair had still been left turned over, forgotten in a corner, while the others had been lifted back, pilled on top of each other by a wall but still in a confused disarray next to the stools. Small piles of dust and glass had began to be gathered up in little dunes as two women were sweeping the mess slowly. There were no customers; the pub was obviously closed, but the door had been broken from its hinges, hanging loosely in its former place.

Levi gaped at the chaos, unsure if the world had gone deaf or if the pumping of his heart had simply numbed every single sense he had. Flashes of his scattered memories pushed persistently into his vision as if to force him to see all that was wrong, all that was out of place, all that was not as it should have been; the blue bottle behind the counter and that he had always liked the most was nowhere to be seen; the high stools, that had been one of his life goals to climb as a child and that he eventually managed to (and proudly at that), had never been removed from nearby the counter, but now they were tossed over to the opposite wall; Martha, complaining loudly whenever a client broke a plate or a mug and shoving a broom into the hands of the drunk client for them to sweep the broken shards. Kenny always used to bark out in laughter at the drunkards almost falling asleep on their feet holding the broom, but he didn't realize he did the same exact thing twice when he was in their shoes.

It was Anna who noticed him first, turning her head in reflex to the frame by the door. She opened her mouth to probably tell him the obvious warning they were closed for business today, but some part of her brain recognized him after a second and her eyes widened. His name replaced her previous words and prompted the old woman beside her to turn her head at the entrance too, her typical frown vanishing in an expression of pure surprise. The broom in her hand was left hanging loosely in her hand and her mouth gaped.

"Well, sweet walls above. Levi."

"Martha," he breathed, realizing his body was glued to the spot as he looked at both women and again at the chaos around them. None of the women seemed affected because they immediately approached him, leaving their brooms forgotten. "I... what happened?"

"This? Oh, never mind this," the old woman waved her hand to the side as if she was brushing the subject away. She had gained weight again, which was a good sign, but the deep bags under her eyes looked like heavy puffs of wrinkled skin that aged her an extra handful of years. "Look at you! Damn, you look as puny as ever, you little runt. Don't you know what food is? How long's it been since you've eaten anything? Look at you! You come here right now, let me look at you proper."

"I'm fine," he said immediately in reflex, trying to watch his step on the broken shards on the floor as he approached the women, nodding in greeting to Anna; she had heavy bags under her eyes too, and looked tired beyond her years. "What happened to this place? Are you two alright?"

"We're fine, Levi," Anna replied almost in sync to Martha's second dismissing of the subject. "It's been so long! Where have you been?"

"I've just..."

"Yes, yes, _'you've just',_ " Martha repeated at once, making Levi already start to feel the sting of guilt and the impending rebuke. "You and I are gonna have a little chat. Anna, is there any food left?"

"I'll pour us some soup," she said at once, vanishing into the door behind the counter.

Levi looked at Martha, at her destroyed pub, at the broken door hanging in its hinges behind him, feeling a sudden pang of the adrenaline return for a second as he recalled the MPs shooting at them in the hideout and the lone, unknowingly MP that had tried to catch him because he saw Levi was clearly running away from something. Although the adrenaline was the signal that he could still make a run for it if needed, the shock of finding the pub in that state had burned the exhaustion of the physical strain and fear deep into his body, trying to force him to stay, to accept his originally intended plan for safety in this place. He wasn't even hungry, but his stomach growled loudly in his belly. He knew he had to hide somewhere out of sight, but staying in the pub with the broken door felt more like a home then he recalled in years.

"Come here," Martha called him, guiding him to a table she dragged through the floor to give her more space to place three chairs, picking up the chair that had been left turned over. She dusted the top of the table with the back of her hand, clearing it on her apron before taking out a slightly dented cigarette and lighting it up with a match. "Sit down."

Levi obeyed without a word. He eyed the pub again while he felt Martha's gaze heavy on him, waiting for the questions to come before he could find the strength to ask his own for shelter. Someone approached the door, making his heart skip a beat, but Martha yelled loudly they were closed. The drunk man who had tried to enter resumed his path without much complain. His heart still pumping, Levi was forced to push back his request for a much more pressing question:

"What happened here?"

Martha scoffed.

"Nothing I can't deal with."

"Martha, you..."

"What happened to _you_?" she retorted instead. "I don't see you in years. Thought to myself more than once that you might've died, even though I know you are stubborn as hell."

Levi scoffed too, though the words had their own sense of warmth to them.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Confidence my ass," Martha corrected at once, making sure that warmth wasn't noticeable in the next words she said. "You've been avoiding this old hag and I don't like it. Why haven't you checked in at all? What have you been doing that's so damn important you didn't have time to say anything? It's been _five_ years, Levi."

Levi felt himself cower slightly on his seat, feeling suddenly like a child being scolded - he knew it'd happen, but that didn't make it better. Martha had every right to feel offended, even more so because that silence had only been broken now out of Levi's necessity. It really made it seem forceful and needy instead of being out of respect, instead of actually wanting to visit her again, but still, hurting her had always been the opposite of Levi's intention and he didn't want them thinking that. But could he blame them if they thought that way? He shouldn't have come at all, not like this.

"You sit down right now," Martha cut immediately at the first sign that Levi was preparing to rise from his seat. He sunk back down, arms crossed, sullen and now slightly annoyed, though a part of him was aware he wasn't the one that should be feeling annoyed. "Don't give me no teenager bullshit. You sit down and eat and you talk."

Levi felt as though those words might have come straight from Kenny rather than Martha. Maybe that was one of the reasons why he hadn't visited her for so long, because of how many remnants of Kenny he saw in the pub from all the times they had come here. But he knew that was not fully true; after all, a handful of years had passed since Kenny had vanished, and many people still remembered him. Relunctantly, Levi had been helped once or twice by people _because_ they knew Kenny, out of respect for _him_. Martha would technically be part of those people, and yet Levi had purposefully avoided her and the pub because... because he just didn't want to cause her trouble. He was a thug, a thief that evaded MPs for as long as he could remember (excluding the times he had been taught how to hunt them). He was like Rans's and Shoshana's mother believed, a bad influence and a troublemaker. He knew, on a rational standpoint, that Martha wouldn't be actually collecting any more considerable risk than her ordinary life already brought her. She had just as many shady deals as he did. But there was a lot of stuff Levi knew on a rational standpoint and still felt completely different on any other point.

"You wanna share any of that?" Martha said suddenly, making him turn his eyes up to her. Her expression had soften, although it still seemed a bit irked. "I can almost hear you thinking from here. So?"

Anna returned to the pub with a tray and three bowls of soup, trails of steam following her step. The interruption gave Levi the excuse to not reply to Martha as he stood up to help Anna, but the woman waved her head in thanks and placed the bowls and spoons on the table, lowering the tray on her lap as she sat down. Levi followed her, but Martha remained standing and smoking. Both women seemed to be waiting for him to take the first spoonful, and Levi did it a touch begrudged though he himself didn't fully understand why.

"Thanks." His bowl was filled almost to the brim, but he saw how both Anna's and Martha's barely reached half.

Martha didn't touch her soup. Anna ate hers slowly, either because her tiredness had taken away her appetite or because she was trying to make the most out of her rationed share. It was a strange moment of calm after each of them had dealt with their own versions of chaos, almost unsettling so, specially because the door was still opened. No one interrupted them this time, though.

"Is it good?" Anna asked him to break the silence, a reassuring smile on her face when Levi nodded. It made him feel like a child again.

"Thanks," he repeated. He looked up at Martha, sulking in antecipation because she was still standing exactly in the same spot, only difference being the amount of cigarette that had turned to ash. "Your soup's getting c-"

"I asked you a question, Levi."

"I know. I just..." he started, looking down at his soup as if trying to find some words or will to speak them somewhere in it.

Anna made a small pause before she gulped down her share.

"I'll just leave you two more comfortable."

"No, Anna, you're not bothering," Levi quickly said, and although he wanted to avert his eyes again, he forced himself to have some backbone and looked into Anna's eyes. He knew the woman for long enough too, and she had always been kind to him, specially the last time he had been here. She had just as many reasons to be disappointed with Levi and deserving of some sort of answer as Martha did. "I just didn't want to cause you trouble. I know it sounds like a stupid excuse, but-" he still tried to finish, but Martha scoffed and cut him off.

"It is a stupid excuse. See? MPs stormed my place with or without you here."

Levi frowned. MPs did this? Why...

"Don't change the subject," Martha said before he even had the chance to. "You're not a burden, and never have been. You forget I know you since you were a little runt trailing behind Kenny's ankles? I knew that bastard probably better than he thought, the little son of a bitch. So, I know you do what you have to do to survive, just like me and Anna here. So why on earth would you be a nuisance to us? What kind of cheap ass excuse is that?"

Levi crossed his arms in front of his chest again. Trying to make his point didn't seem to work, and he felt that Martha would only be able to dismiss every argument and make him feel like a childish idiot.

"What happened to make you come back now?" Martha asked again, and now he could really hear it, past both their own shares of annoyance: the concern in her voice, and Levi realized how it probably made both women feel, seeing him again like this after what had happened last time.

"MPs stormed the place I was living in, too," he explained, and that answer, as worrisome as it might be, was actually a relief compared to the silence both women had got as an answer the other time. Something felt a bit lighter in his chest when he saw Martha and Anna easing their postures however slightly. The old woman finally pulled the chair and sat down, sucking in the last of her smoke. "They started shooting, so I ran. I didn't have anywhere to hide, though, and the only place I could think of was here."

Anna waved her head, her expression darkening as she cursed. "Sons of bitches."

"I've been stealing a lot of stuff lately," Levi said, not really wanting to give them many details beyond that. "If they traced that shit back to me, it'd make the whole thing worse, not to mention everything else. I just didn't know where else to go, and I thought I could ask you to stay here a bit, just... until it settles down. I had no idea those assholes had been giving you trouble, too."

"Well, it is what it is," Martha replied with a snort. "You shouldn't worry, though. They don't have any reason to be back for a while, not now they've made their fuss, so they certainly won't be come looking for anyone here."

"What happened?" Levi repeated now, sensing Martha would try to evade the question again.

"Nothing out of the ordinary. You and I know how to go about our lives and try to live just a bit above the survival status, don't we? And that's due to many circumstances, and people with connections."

Levi frowned, but nodded in the end. Martha must have been running a side business in the same fashion as that dirty bakery shop where he, Julius and Rans had been making their dealings with the shady man that underpayed them. These third-party locations provided a safer route for such people, working as a fail-safe plan in many cases; after all, the owners of the establishments would be the first ones to take the fall, and unless the criminals were actually on the spot too, they might wash their hands of their involvement if no reliable proof was presented. It seemed the benefits of those extra incomes had backfired on Martha, otherwise they wouldn't be sitting in a half destroyed pub.

"You were ratted out or something?"

Martha waved her head harshly, ignoring Levi's frown.

"Unlike those horse-shit MPs, folks around here respect me. These two very dashing, very bored and very retard MPs have known about my deals for a while. Turned a blind eye for a reasonable fee that helps everyone."

Levi's scowl deepened for a whole new reason now.

"You're bribing _MPs_?"

"Just a business like any other, or it should be if the little sons of bitches weren't motherfucking jackasses with their heads shoved up their stinking asses." Martha squinted at the destroyed pub. She seemed ready to spit to the floor, but then she reconsidered soiling the ground of her home and workplace like that. "Scared away all my clients and made their bit of a show. Showing off their big balls."

"If someone shoved their balls down in their throats, they'd think twice about waving them around," Levi said between gritted teeth.

Martha let out a dry laugh that pulled his eyes up.

"That sounds more like Kenny than you."

"He did have a point there, at least," he said sullenly, his frown returning.

"I'm not saying he didn't. Kenny's been out of the business of killing them for too long and these youngsters are forgetting their place."

Levi scoffed. He remembered the rest of his soup was getting cold, so he ate a spoonful, grimacing at the lukewarm taste of it. Still, it was a free meal, and a good one, so he swallowed it down. He nodded again at Anna, who repeated her smile.

"How are you going to deal with it?" Levi asked after some moments.

"Same way I deal with everything, kid. I'll deal." The tip of her cigarette died out but she kept it tucked between her fingers. "They'll be moved somewhere else eventually, they'll die eventually, and they're not gonna rat out their own misconducts to their buddies because they won't want their share to be split."

"MPs are all corrupt. I wouldn't bet they won't gather a bunch of them and come suck you dry of every coin you have. What'll you do then?"

"That's my problem, not yours, Levi," Martha said firmly as if to put an end to that conversation. "Eat that whole thing now."

Levi obeyed silently and finished the soup. Anna stood up, taking both empty bowls and the tray with her. She left Martha's cold soup on the table, although the old woman hadn't even looked at it.

"I shouldn't need to tell you this again, Levi. You can stay here, anytime you need, for as long as you need."

"Thanks," Levi said. "I won't be-"

"For the last time, I don't care how long you need to stay here," Martha cut him harshly. "If you need shelter, you know you can come here and both Anna and I will help you as best as we can, for as long as you need. You _know_ that, so for the last time, Levi, stop acting like you are alone and that you have to be."

Levi opened his mouth to protest but Martha cut him short by simply raising her hand.

"We weren't sure you were even alive anymore, you little runt. You need to start to understand that there are people who care for you and want to help you if you need it."

"I know that. Why do you think I avoided coming here?"

"That's the opposite way of showing it. Not letting us know if you're doing something stupid or dangerous doesn't make us less worried."

"What about you?" Levi said now. "Bribing MPs? How're you gonna deal with this? How are you gonna prove to your clients that it's safe to be here, either for drinking or gambling or sell stuff? Who are you supposed to ask for help if-"

"Don't turn my words against me. Don't fucking change the subject."

"I'm not-"

The broken door creaked slightly in its hinges, making Levi jump out of his seat again and Martha growl in annoyance.

"We're not open, get the fuck out of here!"

There were two people standing by the door, but they were neither MPs or even adults. Levi stared wide eyed at the Theo twins, who stared back at him, one glaring and one shrugging.

"Hey, Levi."

"How the fuck did you get here?" he asked without even thinking. He had made sure no one was following him, so how the fuck did they know where he was?

"Who the fuck are these two kids?" Martha demanded, squinting at the two blond boys.

"Well, fuck ya very much too," Small Theo spat, making Martha scoff out.

"You better not try my patience today, you little stinking runt."

"Ya little _what_?"

"Levi," Big Theo cut between his brother and the old woman, his tone as calm as ever. Anna came out of the door behind the counter, her head turned towards the entrance, her body tense. From where he stood, Levi couldn't see below her chest because of the high counter, but she was clearly holding something in her hands because Big Theo raised his own immediately, stepping in front of his brother as the younger one backed down. "There's no need for more violence, right? Seems like ya ladies got yar handful of that already, right?"

"Who are you?" Anna demanded.

"We're Levi's buddies," Big Theo replied, turning his gaze to Levi. "Right, Levi?"

"Yeah. We helped ya get out, didn't we? We helped ya get into that hideout in the first place, didn't we?" Small Theo accused, looking like a little kid trying to be intimidating while peeking over his brother's shoulder. He coughed suddenly, straightening back up again. "How many times did we help ya out already, ya little shit?"

Big Theo toned him with down with a gentle shove of his shoulder, his hands still raised. However, it wasn't as if what Small said was wrong; Big just didn't find it necessary to be said. Everyone was fully aware of the debts Levi had to pay. Anna turned her eyes to him, surveying his face and waiting for some form of acknowledgement.

"And why the fuck does it matter to me if ya know Levi or not?" Martha cut in, turning her bulky frame on the chair towards the door. "Ya two runts wanna ask me something?"

"Shelter," Big Theo replied, slowly starting to lower his hands, his eyes on Anna as if to make sure he could before he turned his attention to Martha and Levi. "We have nowhere to go. We just need a-"

"Yeah, yeah, you just need time until things calm down, is it?" Martha finished, scoffing angerly. "Little brats, all of you. No one's ever taught you any fucking manners, have they? What makes you lot think you can just come and act as if I'm running a kindergarten here?"

"We can help ya out with this mess," Big Theo replied, shoving his brother behind himself as the idiot youngster seemed about to lash out again, but got interrupted by a fit of coughing. "We're not asking to stay here free of charge. Lucky us, ya seem to be in need of helping hands."

"I have enough helping hands."

"More won't hurt ya. Would it, Levi?"

"Stop talking to him like he's the one in charge here," Martha cut in again. Her harshness didn't diminished by the fact she was still sitting down.

"I can see he's not, lady, but ya wouldn't trust the two of us out of the blue, would ya?" Big Theo said matter-of-factly, turning his eyes to Levi again. The look he gave was the cue Levi didn't really need - the twins were not getting out of there just like that. "So. We all agree we can stay here, right?"

Anna stepped outside the counter, revealing that she had brought a kitchen knife with her and was still firmly holding it in her hand. Martha scowled at the boys and started rummaging through her apron for a new cigarette.

"So you know these runts?" Martha asked Levi without turning to him, lighting the smoke. Levi didn't remove his eyes from Big Theo.

"Yeah. I know them."

"Damn right ya do, ya ungrateful son of a-"

"Cut that shit out," Big Theo muttered at Small, shoving him with his shoulder again only to be shoved back. It made them look like two children.

"We were all living in the same place that got raided," Levi explained briefly. "They don't have anywhere else to go, either. I don't answer for them, though."

"Nor do ya need to. We can help ya out with whatever ya need, lady. Clean this mess for ya, fix yar door. We can't do much outside for the next two or three days, but if ya can spare us a place on yar floor and a bit of food, we'd be grateful."

Martha sucked in her smoke. Small Theo gave a toothy smile from over Big's shoulder.

"What ya say, old lady?"

" _'Old lady'_ my ass," Martha growled. "Two days tops. You'll repay me for the food you eat, you hear me?"

The twins nodded, and Levi did as well. Big Theo asked to take care of the door first, as it was the really the top priority even though none of them had really done anything about it until that point. Levi stepped forward towards them, but Martha said under her breath:

"Needless to say, this doesn't mean you have to go already, you hear me? This is my bar."

"I know," Levi replied quickly before he approached the twins. "How the fuck did you follow me here?"

Small Theo scoffed while Big Theo shrugged.

"We all have our talents, don't we?"

"Who's the old hag and the hot lady?" Small asked, coughing against the inside of his elbow. Levi glared at him and decided to ignore him.

"So you just waited to see if it'd be safe or not?" he asked Big, who shrugged again.

"Precisely. Ya know, sometimes I think ya forget ya're not the only one who's been doing this for a while. Ya're good, Levi, but so are other people."

"Help us out," Small demanded, pointing at the door. "We all want to be inside, not standing at the fucking door like idiots waiting to be shot."

With some tools Anna brought and helped them with, they quickly nailed the door back to the hinges, which were banged up but mostly unbroken. As soon as the three boys were away from the door, a unknowing customer came by to drink, getting instead dismissed by Anna and making all of them rustle against the wall to avoid being seen.

"It's been a long day," Anna said as she finally closed and locked the door. Levi felt his breathing easing in a way he didn't even realize it had been laboured before. "We've already ate something, but I imagine you two boys haven't. I barely have any soup left, but it should be enough to at least quiet stomach aches for the night."

"Sure thing, lady," Small Theo replied eagerly, quickly following her to the counter but getting halted by her, telling him to wait there. "Well hey, sure thing. Where're we gonna sleep? That corner over there? In the floor, like animals, right, just bundled up like animals. That's what we've always been doin', right? Caged or kicked or shot at, right?"

"You better calm down," Levi told him in warning, not caring if Big Theo would be offended, but instead, the other boy was actually the one to hasten his step just as Small Theo started screaming.

"Those fuckers _shot_ at us! They shot at us! They shot that girl! They killed her, they-!"

"Calm down," Big Theo said firmly, holding him by the shoulder just as the younger twin started to cough. "Calm down, Theo, it's over. The door's locked, it's safe, no one will come here, alright?"

Small Theo kept coughing, wrestling against his brother as he tried to rub his back to calm him while Small's protests kept going but became more laboured and mumbled.

"You go sit right there, kid," Martha commanded him, making sure her order was followed. Martha had the sort of presence that made even thugs like Small Theo reconsider their animosity, even in his altered state. His breathing got ragged and raspy and he started wheezing in a way Levi had seen a couple of times before, recognizing it as something serious but that Big Theo managed to control with some difficulty. However, now that Martha was there, her old face deeply frowned, she didn't wait for it. "Anna, find some black tea, make it strong."

Anna, who had stopped at the door as the commotion happened, quickly turned on her heels and went inside. She returned as fast as she could, without the knife and with two new bowls of soup and a mug of steaming tea Levi could smell the scent of even at the distance he was. Martha shot one warning glare at the boy, but Small Theo didn't really need much persuading. He hissed and coughed with the burning sting of the tea, but drank it. Big Theo waited for him to finish it and only ate the soup after the younger twin had started. He thanked both women quietly. The shares were less than Levi had got, but surely it was the last they had.

Feeling useless just standing there, Levi picked one of the brooms that had been abandoned earlier and continued the cleaning he had interruped with his bursting in. Martha finished her smoke, picked the bowl of soup Anna had served her before and gulped it down almost in a single go, shaking at how cold it now was and disappeared behind the door, her heavy steps clear in the empty pub as she climbed up the stairs to her small apartment.

After the twins finished eating and Small's breathing had settled, they helped Anna in the kitchen inside and came back to the bar to help Levi.

"You should wash yourselves," he told them instead, nodding towards the door behind the counter again. "Ask Martha or Anna if they have enough water. I'll finish here."

Neither of them complained. Levi sweeped the mess into a big ragbag he found in a bundle nearby the storage room Martha had altered into a makeshift bathroom; he heard splashes of water and coughing coming from inside it. He dragged the bag and put it against the wall near the pub's door, leaving it to be taken outside tomorrow or later. Bottles of alcohol had been smashed too, so he had to catch puddles of liquid spread out on the floors by sweeping or footsteps. He crossed paths with the twins as he went to fetch a mop and a bucket he poured some water into, taking it from a barrel Big Theo pointed him towards. They had both changed clothes; Anna must have given them something clean to wear while their dirty clothes had been scrubbed and were hanging on a rope against the opposite wall. Small Theo was wearing a shirt and loose pants that surely belonged to Anna, but Big Theo was wearing an oversized woman's shirt, the pattern of which Levi recognized from when Martha used to be particularly heavy and that looked liked a dress on him. With his long hair damp in front of his face, he did look more like a girl than a guy. Levi mused on taking a shower too later, taking a mental note of the water Martha had and wondering how little the twins had used.

Anna had resumed the task of moving the tables and chairs and stools back to their original place while Levi mopped the floors. The twins approached to help her, Small Theo lifting the heavier tables up not to scratch the floorboards while Big Theo carried the chairs. Anna complained immediately for the younger boy to not do any heavy lifting and that he should go rest, but then she noticed how Big Theo was struggling on his own, awkwardly holding the chairs with just his left hand. Levi saw it too and remembered the injury on his wrist from when they had jumped out of building. Big Theo ended up noticing the attention, looking suspiciously at both of them.

"You're hurt." Anna approached him, ignoring Big Theo's dismissing. "Can I?"

Levi saw how the brothers exchanged looks before Big Theo extended his arm. Anna held his fingers gently and barely turned his hand, careful for any signs of pain.

"I don't think it's broken, but you shouldn't do any heavy lifting either," she said, signaling to a chair. "I'll try to find something to bind your wrist with."

"I'm fine," Big Theo tried again. Anna turned her back to him but caught Levi before she continued.

"You too," she called, making Levi raise his face to her. "You got hurt while running away?"

"No, I'm fine."

"What happened then?" she insisted, and even as she nodded with her chin towards his face, Levi was still confused for a moment before remembering the bruise on his forehead. It had been yesterday - wait, what time was it, really? Was it even past midnight yet? - technically it had been just several hours ago, but with everything that had happened, it seemed like his hit with Rans and Julius against the two medicine carriers had been weeks now.

"Nothing. Just banged my head."

"Let me take a look."

Levi wanted to protest, and he did, but Anna was in the mood of ignoring stubborn teenagers and held his face gently anyway. The touch made him wince, not because of the pain, but because of how softly she brushed away the bangs of his hair with the tips of her fingers, not even touching the skin. She frowned and walked around the counter, disappearing behind the door for a moment.

"She yar mom or somethin?" Small Theo asked from his end. Levi shot him a glare but remained silent. Small Theo scoffed loudly and finished moving the tables despite her warning.

Anna returned soon after with a damp cloth and an improvised bandage. She gave the cloth to Levi with a quick smile.

"Not much, but it'll feel better."

"It doesn't even hurt," Levi said in earnest, but accepted the cloth anyway. The touch was chilly at first, even though it quickly warmed against his skin. "What about you? Those fuckers really didn't hurt you two?"

"We're fine," Anna replied, sounding just as convincing as Levi and Big Theo had been before. "You don't need to worry about us."

"You're not worried about what's going to happen now?" Levi asked her, taking the heaviness of her expression with a frown. "I know I fucked up with you two. I really just didn't want to give you any trouble or get your worried over nothing, but I do care for you and this shit is serious. I can try to-"

"You don't need to do anything, Levi. Besides, you know Martha. She doesn't like asking for help. It's turning into quite a common thing these days."

Levi grunted a reply, the only acknowledgement he gave to Anna's intentional cue. She moved to Big Theo next, taking the bandage and carefully wrapping it around the boy's wrist and palm. Levi saw how he flinched when Anna pulled the cloth a bit tighter, asking if it was too much.

"It's fine. Thanks," he said, waving some of his long locks of hair away from his face. "The kindness is unexpected. Thanks."

"You're hurt. Why wouldn't I help you?"

"Loads of people would use that to hurt other people more, right?" Big Theo said without a hint of humor. Anna's expression darkened somewhat.

"We should try to make something against that, right?"

"I suppose." Big Theo closed his hand temptatively, hissing quietly. He spoke without looking at Anna: "I'm not with women often, but if ya wanna, I can give some help unwindin' from the stress here. I probably need some distraction myself, too."

Levi felt like he'd got punched in the pit of his stomach, and he saw how Anna blinked in surprise. Before she could say anything, though, Martha's voice erupted from the stairs.

"What the fuck are you runts still doing over there?" Her steps stomped into the bar again. "It's late. I've had a very long day. Get your asses upstairs now."

Anna turned back to Big Theo.

"You can thank the both of us by going to bed and sleeping," she answered the boy. "We'll be needing the helping hands you promised to put this place back in function tomorrow, and your wrist should get better for that, as should your breathing," she added at Small Theo.

Big Theo shrugged his reply and stood up, waiting for Small Theo to step ahead of him. Levi grabbed the blond boy by his arm.

"What the fuck's your problem?" he hissed under his breath, but Big Theo just rolled his eyes.

"Ya wanna start round two of this conversation, Levi?" he replied without even bothering to ask what Levi was reffering to. "Ya're the one that has a problem, not me or her. Did she seem offended to ya?"

"They're helping you both. They're helping all of us and they have absolutely no reason to do it, so why don't you learn to at least have some fucking respect?"

"How the fuck was I disrespectful? I just tried to thank her," Big Theo spat back at him. "Ya think I give free rounds at everybody, specially women? I told you I don't even like them."

Levi pulled his hand away harshly as if the words had been a strike. Big Theo merely shrugged at it and walked around the counter and into the door, climbing up the stairs in front of him.

Martha's little apartment hadn't changed from what he remembered, only now it was much more crowded than it was ever designed to be. The small living room was crammed with a set of worned blankets spread out on the floors and covering almost all the walking space, making an extention of the small maid bed Martha normally used as a sofa. Three pillows were wrapped in soft shirts as improvised pillowcases, and she had placed three other blankets for them to sleep in.

"I know it's the floor, but I don't have more mattresses," Martha said roughly, but Levi knew her for enough years to tell how there was a tone of apology in her voice, holding Small Theo's previous words in mind. "One of you sleeps on the bed. The younger runt should sleep in it, try to catch less dust for your breathing."

"Levi's younger than me," Small complained, but Martha just scoffed.

"Oh goodness, sorry for hurting your manly feels. All you brats go to sleep now. I'll wake you lot soon enough."

While the twins shuffled into their covers, Levi asked if he could wash. He climbed down the stairs and took a towel from the cupboard he remembered they used to be stored. Anna also came down with some of her clothes for him to change into; it all felt unsettlingly familiar, but Levi pushed the memories away as he quickly washed the dried cold sweat and dust off his body and splashed some water on his hair.

It was definitely familiar though, and that irking unease picked at his brain and pulled back Anna's kindness, both when he was eleven years old and doing his every damn best to not break down, as well as now, how that kindness had been received by Big Theo. The boy really didn't find it disrespectful or off to just offer some sexual favor as a way of showing gratitude. Big Theo _was_ a prostitute, sure thing, but that wasn't an excuse; it wasn't. It made him think back on Shoshana all over again and all the other times people had reacted that way with him and Levi clenched his teeth as he rubbed the towel against his skin. Why the fuck was _he_ the one that was wrong?

He focused on the most relevent issue: his clothes. All his spare ones had been in the bag he had at the building site, so now, all he owned were the dirty clothes he was wearing when he ran. Again. Sighing, he picked them from the floor and sniffed the dirtier spots, grunting at the smell and thanking Anna mentally for the clean change she had spared. He didn't want to waste too much water, so he just rubbed at the worst places and hanged the clothes to dry next to the twins's. He considered it for a moment and took out the knife from his pocket, keeping it on Anna's borrowed pants.

The door to Martha's bedroom was closed when he climbed back up, so he quietly shuffled into the improvised bed. Big Theo was lying on the floor near his brother, who seemed to be asleep already. Levi tried to get comfortable beneath the covers, resting his back against the blanket beneath him and sinking his head on the pillow, staring at the ceiling as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He wasn't sleepy at all.

"Ya smell nice," Big Theo whispered next to him. "I do too. It's been a while since I've washed."

Levi didn't reply, wanting the boy to just take the silence as a reply and sleep. Of course, he didn't.

"Your friends are nice." Levi didn't bother to lie to Big Theo and correct his assumption. "Wasn't expecting that. That's why I told her if she-"

"That's not how you show you're thankful," Levi cut him, careful not to raise his voice so Martha and Anna wouldn't hear through the door. "She didn't do it expecting you to fuck her. That's not how it works."

"Ya don't need to teach me how it works, Levi."

They fell quiet for some moments, enough for Levi to hope the boy would fall asleep, but he whispered some time later:

"I'm cold."

"You shouldn't have worn a fucking dress," Levi whispered back.

"Ya're an asshole," Big Theo said, though Levi could almost hear his scoff. "I'd hold ya to keep both of us warm, but ya might think I'd be tryin' to do somethin'."

"You've already told me once you'd like to fuck me," Levi recalled with a hiss. "Was that your typical call-out, or were you just thankful for something?"

"I sure as hell am more thankful now," Big Theo replied, sighing next. "I don't wanna fuck ya, I just wanna get warm."

"Just sleep, Theo."

It took a while, specially as the boy jerked up whenever Small Theo coughed, but eventually, Levi could hear both boys's breathing getting heavier. He shuffled in the bed, turning his back to Big Theo, rolling back up and placing his arm behind his head, sighing and rubbing his forehead (he forgot the fucking bruise, so that made him grunt and complain at the dull pain he felt for some minutes), turning on his stomach and trying to get comfortable in the increasingly less comfortable blanket. It was actually an improvement to the brown quilt he had on the building site, but Martha's blanket wasn't really the one at fault. Levi felt a shiver run down his spine as he recalled the feeling of diziness he felt when he had been woken up by the rustle at the building site, how it had alerted him in time to run when the MPs stormed the place. He recalled the younger girl - he didn't even know her name, or how old she was - as she ran with him, as she followed him and the twins, how the sound of gunshot was so sickening and how he barely had time to see her sprawled on the floor and bleed from her leg. He didn't know if it was a fatal wound or not, but a gunshot was no small thing.

He had lost everything again. His clothes, the quilt, the book he wanted to sell, and... _fuck, my bird._ Levi shut his eyes and breathed in, clenching his jaw as he pressed his fingers against his eyelids. The paper bird Shoshana had given him... he'd kept this one for so long, and now it was gone too. Like the first one, he hadn't lost it; he knew precisely were both of them were, but he'd never be able to see them again. One in the last hideout he had with Kenny, where he left three corpses of the fuckers who tried to get him. The other on the building site, where, for all he knew, had been left a trail of blood caused by MPs.

It had made him feel so happy, the first time he saw the paper folding. He had felt so awkward and shy, trying to think of how to thank Shoshana without being clumsy or stupid, and he had blushed for some stupid reason when he saw her get all red and thank him, _him_ , as if he had been the one to give her something and not the other way around. She said she'd teach him how to craft the birds for free, but got all flustered again. And she kissed him, because...

Fuck.

Night time was the worst. It was always the worst. Every single thought stretched boring minutes it stressful hours and Levi had to push to his feet. The thought of Big Theo waking up and resuming his round of annoying questions and guesses wasn't enough to convince him to remain struggling in bed, but thankfully, the other boy was now soundlessly asleep, not even moving with his brother's coughing. Both of them probably had their own share of exhaustion to recover from, and at least it granted Levi some peace.

He climbed down the stairs quietly, not really knowing what he was looking for except something to distract him. The pub still had some work to be done, but it had mostly been returned to normal; it didn't look much different from any other day, though the lack of alcohol bottles or empty mugs on the tables was a tell. Levi thought of fetching a rag to clean the dust from the candlesticks on the walls, but he caught himself crossing the pub and pulling a chair, sitting and just staring at the empty bar. He had always liked it here. The noise of the drunkards, the smell of drinks and appetizers and even the sweat and dust had become familiar to him. It had a sense of safety no other pub Kenny used to go to had. It was certainly Martha's fault alone.

"You still haven't learned how to sleep, have you?" The old woman's voice came from behind him. Levi turned his face to see Martha stand up from the chair she had been sitting, alone in the darkness just as he had been. She picked a candlestick and light it, placing it on the table and taking a seat beside him. She took out a cigarette from her apron and lit it with a match, shaking her hand even after the flame was put out. "Maybe that's why you're such a tiny runt. You don't grow because you don't sleep."

The old woman didn't have much of a height to speak of, but Levi just shrugged.

"Maybe. And you keep getting wrinklier because you're burning your insides with that shit."

Martha cackled for a moment, sucking in the smoke.

"What's keeping you up tonight?"

Levi shrugged.

"Nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Uh-huh. Me neither."

"Your bar was stormed by MPs, you have to think about how you're going to manage those fucktards from now on, you have three stupid guys who just showed up in your door and have crushed in your place amidst this whole shitstorm," Levi pointed out in annoyance. "You have more than enough reasons to not be able to sleep."

"Considering you are one of the guys that has showed up here looking for help, I'd guess you have your own fair share of reasons to be up at night."

A whole fair share of reasons. Sure. And the one bothering him the most was a girl who tried to kiss him. And he wanted people to believe he was an intimidating.

"I sure as hell am not gonna talk about useless things now," he mumbled.

Martha shrugged.

"Well, if my business is as shit-fucked as you make it sound, then nothing you say will actually bother me more, will it?"

"Useless things are bothersome."

"Levi," Martha cut him off, impacience fully palpable on her voice. Although it was a trait he had seen her demonstrating many times with the clients of the pub, it was not one Levi had been the direct source of often. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, not really knowing if he was annoyed or embarrassed. "What is it?"

"I'm just... annoyed."

"Has something happened?"

"I'm trying to understand why people do certain things and act as if I'm the one that's wrong," he tried to summarize, gritting his teeth shortly after for how unclear it sounded, but not really knowing how to talk about it without exposing the full stupidity of the whole thing. At least this way, it might sound more serious or relevent, more omnious or something.

"Care to share?"

"I... it annoys me. When people try to be close to me. When they try to kiss me or something." Levi shuffled slightly on his seat. "It makes me feel weird. Wrong."

He was expecting to hear a scoff or some sound that showed a similar reaction as Big Theo's: surprise, disregard for something so simple and mundane, but Martha was mostly silent, save for the sound of the burning tip of her cigarette. She was quiet for a long moment, burning it to the end, putting it out on the table top (much to Levi's dismay) and immediately lighting a new one, ignoring the frown on Levi's face as she sucked in the smoke.

"Your age's never an easy one, is it, and you have a lot on your plate as it is."

Levi found that reaction wasn't exactly better than Big Theo's.

"What does my age have to do with anything?"

"You're big enough now to know how to name certain things," Martha started, turning her head to him, a cloud of smoke in front of her wrinkled face for a moment. "You know exactly what your mother did. What you've told me she did, where you told me you used to live when you were a baby runt. Right?"

Levi pulled his knees up, hands loosely clasped around his ankles even though he wanted to hold them as close as possible for some sense of protection or care, but he didn't want to act so childish again, not even in front of Martha, whom was now probably the only person left that actually wouldn't mind it or use it against him.

"I'm not talking about my mother," he said, swearing mentally at how weak the words sounded even to his ears. He wanted to ask why she was bringing that subject up, but he couldn't force himself to treat her so much like an idiot. He still said: "It doesn't have to be because of that."

The woman gave him a moment as she inhaled more smoke before she began to ask questions Levi didn't want to hear.

"Did all the clients hurt your mother? Or the other women? I mean hurt them for real. Are you able to tell the difference now?"

Levi clenched his teeth and raised his arms to pull his knees tight against his chest. His body was small enough for him to do it even sitting on a chair. He wanted to keep silent not to scream, but the shrug he tried to make instead wasn't enough to make his point clear, to show enough of the memories of the teethless fat pimp being disgusting and rough on the ladies, complimenting them only to sneer or yell moments later, shoving them out of his way when he was angry, how he stormed his mother's room that one time and ripped him away from her hands as punishment, how he beat both of them, how Levi barely recalled now the extended of how _he_ had got injured but he fully recalled the blood on her face, and how it had not made him forget the blood she had on the lower part of her dress after the last client had left.

"None of them wanted to be there," Levi snarled. "Why do I have to understand it any different now? Isn't that enough?"

He heard Martha sucking on her smoke again.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. So, why does it make you feel weird? People trying to be close to you?"

Levi shrugged, fighting the shiver that wanted to run through his back.

"It just makes me weird. I don't like it. I just... And what annoys me the most is how people react as if I'm the weird one, as if I should want all of that, so I guess I _am_ weird, but I just... I don't get why people think any of it is good."

"It can be good," Martha told him, making Levi turn his face away. Again, words that sounded as though they had a full explanation in them, when in truth they were just empty. "Have you never seen it can be?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I've seen people kiss and fuck and they seem to like it sometimes."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I don't know," he repeated, gritting his teeth in frustration. For a moment, he found himself thinking back on Kenny. It had been many years ago, but he still remembered it; one time he had heard and seen him with a woman. It had been traumatic enough for Levi, not least of all because of how confused he had got seeing both of them afterwards, acting in ways he wasn't expecting, their bodies seemingly relaxed rather than stressed or hurt. It had not made him less angry though, not even now, so many years after. "I know some people like it, okay. I know that. I know some people do it because they want to. I don't mind it if they do, it's their own problem, so why do they act up because I _don't?_ "

"Who acted up? The girl who tried to kiss you?"

"No," Levi waved his head, thinking on Shoshana's panic, the apology etched in her face. "Other people. Like this guy I told that it made me feel weird, he said I was the one that was weird because I scared the girl away, so I suppose I should've just been alright with it happening in the first place. He said he'd kiss me instead if I wanted to, as if that was the problem, acts like I'm weird because I think it's disrespectful to just assume people want sex. Then other girls who tried it, a woman who did it a while ago just because I helped her with something. It's precisely... exactly like that. She got all worked up because I told her not to do that again, as if I should want it, as if I had only helped her in the first place because I was expecting any of it in return, and I wasn't. Why the fuck would I?"

"Some people do act like that, men and women. Sometimes it's easier to just use some form of comfort as a reward in this world. Works for some people."

"That's their problem, not mine."

"So you don't like the idea of people touching you?"

"I don't like the idea of people thinking I want to do something like that with them."

"Something like what, Levi? Sex?"

Levi grit his teeth, getting angry at her persistence and at his inability to make his point.

"Yeah, Martha, whatever. Sex, kissing, whatever. It makes me feel wrong and makes me think I've done something bad to make them want it. I don't want it, I don't like it. And it always ends up in bad stuff. It gets you hurt or sick or..."

"Have I ever told you I was married?"

Levi turned his head suspiciously at the old woman. Martha seemed to feel that and scoffed, even though her smile was warm.

"Yeah, I was. You wanna know how I met him?" She waited for Levi to shrug before continuing. "He asked if I wanted to dance with him. He was such a scrawny little guy. His wrists were probably as thinny as yours, but he was a builder, if you can guess it. I'd always wonder how he didn't pass out carrying all that load with barely any food in his stomach and with that bone structure. His friends had encouraged him, you know, to come ask me for a dance. But they actually thought I would turn him down and make him spend his day's wage on drinks for all of them. But I kind of fancied him, and I had to hide my excitement over it."

"I know people like that kind of stuff. I like Shoshana. She's nice to me. I like that she never tried anything like that, to the point I didn't even think about it, that she might, or that I might have done anything to make her think... I just don't like thinking she'd see me as..."

"See you as what? Her boyfriend?"

"I know it was just a kiss, but..." Levi sighed heavily. "It's never just a kiss, is it? Clearly it wasn't a just a dance for you."

Martha breathed out a smile.

"No, it wasn't, but it's not as if we fell on a bed right on. "

"Why would she kiss me if she didn't want anything more?"

"That's something you should ask her, not me," Martha said. "You're sixteen, Levi. She's probably your age too, right? Stuff like this should be normal to you and cause you some stress, but not this way."

Levi huffed and threw his head back, unsure if he wanted to try to throw his frustration out by sinking down on the chair or just by pulling his knees harder against his chest.

"Sure. You want it to be normal, sure. It's also normal that you have to deal with drunkards and MPs, and it's also normal that I steal and beat people up. It's also normal I can't sleep because I have to always be on guard or because I have nightmares and that I have to steal to get something to eat every single day. Being normal doesn't mean I should like it or be happy with it."

"I suppose you have your point," Martha shrugged. "It's still how life is, though."

"Your husband, then? What you said, that he was a scrawny guy and all that. So what? After you two had fucked, you just pitied him or something?" he asked, feeling a sting of embarrassment for his words a second later but brushing it off.

Martha didn't seem offended at all, but she did clarify: "No. It wasn't pity. It was... caring. I wanted to care for him. I wanted to make sure he was well fed, that he knew what it felt like to eat decent food. Sure, I couldn't know if I was actually able to give him that or not. Life's always been hard for everyone. But if I could, I wanted to give him something good. I liked _him_ , and sure, I did like when we made love, of course. He gave me pleasure."

Levi hummed, his mouth pressed against the arm he had over his knees. He firmly pushed every single disturbing image his mind might cook up of Martha, or any other woman or man, like that.

"He never hurt me. Not once," Martha continued. "Sure, we fought. A lot. You know I'm not easy. I'm crunky, I hate staying idle, I don't like people not doing things the way I want. He pulled my nerves every day. But he was a wonderful father. He loved our son, and the pain of losing him broke him beyond what I could fix. But he never hurt me. He only hurt me when he died. And that wasn't really his fault, was it."

Levi wanted to feel something good for Martha, happy for her now he knew she had someone like that before in her life (something he had never remembered or bothered to think before, even though he did know Martha had had a son once), or sadness for her loss, even if it had all happened before he himself was even born. But nothing came, just a casual acknowledgment for her words and the story she had shared.

"If you ask me if I've been with other men after him? I have, several. Not because I wanted to replace him, certainly not because I wanted to get hurt or something. Or because I was thankful for something they did. Just because I missed the company, the touch. They didn't all go well, but I certainly didn't do it because I wanted to be hurt by those men, you know?"

Levi felt a shiver run down his spine.

"I don't-"

"My point is, one thing does not equal the other, Levi," she finished. "Just because you assume every man wants to hurt someone with sex, it does not mean it's true."

"I don't think that. I _know_ it's not always like that, I've seen it."

"Yet sometimes it's not. Right?"

Levi moved his eyes away. He heard Martha putting out her cigarette. Thankfully, she didn't light a third one.

"It almost happened to me, you know. And Anna, more times that I would have liked to think. I didn't want anyone near me when it did."

"It's not-"

"Is it because of what happened? The man that hurt you when you last came here?"

Levi didn't realize how tightly he had been holding his knees close to his chest until he felt his legs starting to grow numb. Still, he pressed his lips to the back of his wrist and kept pulling his body close, looking away, pushing the memories away, that fear and panic he always tried to keep at bay because he didn't want to think about the Pig ever again, but he could never actually do that because he would forever remember he had not killed him, the Pig had fled, had vanished somewhere unreachable to him and he would never get him.

He could hear his breathing struggling, made worse by the fact he was pressing his mouth so harshly against the back of his wrist. He shut his eyes and exhaled sharply again, forcing it all away, pushing it all way, trying to find a way to physically push all that off of him. He waved his head, not knowing if Martha would see it or not.

"No," he voiced out. "It's not because of that. That just proved what I already knew. I just don't care. I don't want that. I don't see what's supposed to be good in it and I don't want it."

"Maybe you're just not ready for it yet."

"Why do I _need_ to be? Why does everyone seem to think I have to be ready, anyway?" he asked, frustration again forcing him to grit his teeth thinking on Big Theo's reaction again, thinking on Shoshana's hesitation, thinking on Martha's words. "People just assume I'm supposed to do something, whatever it is, and that I'm the one that's wrong because I don't do it or don't want to."

"Yeah, people tend to do that, thinking they know what is the right time for you to do something," Martha mused quietly. "I guess in a way, I'm one of those."

"Why am I the weird one for not wanting to do anything?" Levi continued, not really knowing how to control that anger but not really wanting to gather the strength to fight it. "I don't get it and it makes me mad."

Levi rubbed his legs absentmindedly to help the blood flow properly again, breathing out with a huff.

"Besides, I have more important stuff to worry with. Thinking about shit like this is stupid. I have more important things to worry about, like helping you out here, like trying to figure out where to go."

"You can stay here. I already told you-"

"No. I don't want to live here with you, Martha. I have to be able to get by alone, and I _can._ I've always done it, and I don't like needing help."

"And does it hurt you to trust some people? I know people are bad, Levi. Trust me, I _know_ , but you need to allow people close to you."

"I'm here, am I not? You think I'd be here if I didn't trust you?"

"Yet you didn't want to come. You only did because you were forced to, because it was your last resort. You need to let people close enough to care for you, and for you to care for them."

Levi huffed again, pushing to his feet. Why did he bother to talk to people, really? He could never make his point across no matter how hard he tried, so it clearly did him no good.

"I'm going to bed."

He heard Martha sigh but didn't turn back to her. He climbed back the stairs and sank in the blanket again, wrapping the covers tightly around himself. Shortly after, he heard Martha on the steps, the strong light of the candle painting warm tones on the walls, but Levi didn't move or said anything. She closed the door of her bedroom and Levi heard her bed creaking slightly. The slice of light coming from beneath the door vanished, and everything was swallowed by darkness again.

Levi breathed out sharply, trying to force his brain to shut up and losing yet another round of fighting. Martha's words now echoed in the silence; of course he cared for people. He cared for Martha, he cared for Anna. He cared for Shoshana and her family. He cared enough for the Theo twins to know they needed shelter just as much as him. He even cared for the girl who got shot. He had cared for Kenny, and that one really fucked him over, didn't it? Caring for people is one thing, hard as it is already, but getting too close just adds responsability for their well being, for wanting them to be alive the next day, for wanting to protect them against other thugs or MPs, regardless of the consequences.

He sure as hell didn't understand how wanting to kiss or have sex with someone else was any way of showing care.

He shuffled and rolled on the blanket for what felt like hours until the exhaustion that had been creeping in and clawing out finally sunk deep in his body and won over everything else and finally, he managed to fall asleep.

.

to be continued

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got so long I had to move part of it to the next one. Which hopefully will mean it'll come faster.
> 
> Small Theo has asthma. Black tea is a very simple remedy and not medication, but it was mostly the only thing I could find that might be applicable to their situation.
> 
> Martha the bartender is a character I created that has spanned several of my kid!Levi fics, as has Anna, and although never named before, Shoshana and Rans have been mentioned before in them as well, as has the whole little paper folding birds and Levi's 11th birthday gift. Reading my fic [Loss](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6234628) should cover all these tidbits. I like references.
> 
> Speaking of references, if you wonder about the last time Levi had seen Martha, you can read my [Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11723781) fic.  
> If you wonder about the stressful situation with Kenny and the woman, you can read both [Reminders and remains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18966445) and/or [The Talk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10735860).  
> If you wonder what happened when Levi lost the first paper bird and killed three people, you can read [Decision](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6108367).  
> If you wonder about the terrible situation Levi recalled with his mother and her pimp, you can read my [The Window to the Sky](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7795561) fic.  
> And if you wonder about what will eventually happen to the Pig, I invite you to read my fic [Loose ends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19033993).
> 
> ...I like references.
> 
> Thanks for reading this monsterous chapter, feedback and corrections to English are appreciated.


End file.
